APPLE UNVEILS iPHONE 17E, M4 IPAD AIR, M5 MACBOOK PRO, AND OTHER UPGRADES THAT’LL MAKE YOU QUESTION YOUR LIFE CHOICES

Apple, the tech giant that's basically the Steve Jobs of the 21st century, dropped a stack of new hardware this week so loaded with upgrades, it's like they took a dumpster fire and then said, "Yeet, that's a feature." From the iPhone 17e's "stylish" new design (read: same as last year, but with a slightly more expensive price tag) to the MacBook Neo's brazen attempt to steal your soul with a $599 price tag, this is the week that'll make you ask, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?"

THE IPHONE 17E: A BROOKLYN-BASED HEROIN ADDICT WITH A SMARTphone

SPEC SPECIFICATIONS: THE BREAKDOWN

Let's start with the iPhone 17e, Apple's "entry-level" phone that's basically a middle finger to people who want a phone that doesn't cost as much as a used car. Priced at $599, it's got a 48MP Fusion camera (because 48 megapixels on a 6.1-inch screen is "advanced"), MagSafe, and a C1X modem that's "two times faster" than last year's model. That's right — they're charging you for a phone that's "two times faster" than a 2019 model. Congrats, you're now the owner of a digital speed bump!

The iPhone 17e also features a "Ceramic Shield 2.0" display, which Apple claims offers "3x better scratch resistance" than the previous generation. Translation: It's still easier to crack than a 10-year-old's phone. And if you thought the 6.1-inch screen was bad, Apple also slapped in the same A19 chip as the iPhone 17, so you can enjoy the fruits of AI-powered hype. "Hey Siri, can you make me a sandwich?" Now you can, and it'll be a digital one.

But wait — there's more! The iPhone 17e supports satellite features like Emergency SOS, Roadside Assistance, and Find My, which are basically Apple's way of saying, "We're not responsible if your phone dies in the middle of a forest." And if that wasn't enough, the iPhone 17e is "all-day battery life" — which, in Apple terms, means it'll last 12 hours if you're not a monster.

Pre-orders are open now, and it's available in black, white, and "soft pink" — a color so controversial, it's basically a warning to your mother. Available March 11, because Apple can't decide whether it's a tech company or a fashion brand. (Answer: Both. It's a tech fashion brand.)

THE IPAD AIR M4: THE MID-RANGE “MID-RANGE” THAT’S STILL A YEAR BEHIND

SPEC SPECIFICATIONS: THE BREAKDOWN

The iPad Air M4 is Apple's version of a "budget" tablet, but don't let the name fool you. It's got the M4 chip, which is "almost two years old" — meaning it's basically a digital relic. But hey, if you only need an iPad for watching TikTok and scrolling through Instagram, this is the device for you. Just don't try to edit a 4K video on it. You'll be crying in a corner with a Windows PC that costs $200 less.

What's new? 12GB of RAM, which is a massive upgrade from the 8GB on the previous model. But here's the kicker: The price didn't change. This is Apple's version of a "free" refill at a restaurant — it's not actually free, it's just a new way to get you to pay more. The 11-inch model starts at $599, and the 13-inch at $799. Oh, and there's a $50 discount for students. Which is "generous," as Apple would say.

Apple also boosted Wi-Fi 7 support, which is "just getting started" in the consumer market. It's like giving a 1990s car a jet engine — it'll still sputter, but it'll look cooler. The iPad Air M4 runs iPadOS 26, which is Apple's version of a "software update" that's 10 years late. But hey, it's got a 11.6-inch display and dual speakers — which, in 2024, are basically a luxury car feature.

Pre-orders are open, and it's available in blue, purple, starlight, and space gray. Because nothing says "I'm a creative" like being a space gray iPad. Available March 11, because Apple can't decide whether it's a tech company or a color palette generator.

THE M5 MACBOOK PRO: THE LAPTOP THAT’S STILL A YEAR BEHIND

SPEC SPECIFICATIONS: THE BREAKDOWN

Apple's MacBook Pro just got a "upgrade" that's basically a band-aid on a bullet wound. The new M5 Pro and M5 Max chips are now powering the 14-inch and 16-inch models, but don't let the name fool you — they're still a year behind the iPad Pro's M5. But hey, at least they've got more RAM and a slightly faster SSD. Because nothing says "performance" like a laptop that's 25% faster than a 2020 model. Congrats, you're now the proud owner of a digital sports car that's 10 years old.

The 14-inch MacBook Pro with M5 Pro starts at $2,199, which is a $200 increase from 2024. But Apple doubled the storage, so it's "a better deal." Which is like saying, "I'll give you a bigger sandwich, but it's twice as expensive." The M5 Pro has 18 CPU cores and 20 GPU cores, while the M5 Max has 18 CPU cores and 32 GPU cores. That's 10 cores, for those of you keeping score at home. 10. ZOMG.

The 16-inch MacBook Pro starts at $2,699, which is a $200 increase from the base model. But Apple is giving you a 27-inch display and a 12MP Center Stage camera, which are "standard" now. Because Apple can't decide whether it's a laptop or a TV. (Answer: Both. It's a laptop TV.)

Apple also introduced the "Fusion Architecture" for the M5 Pro and M5 Max, which is "two dies on a single SoC." Which is Apple's way of saying, "We built a bigger chip, but it's still 50% less powerful than the competing chip." But hey, it's "efficient," right? That's the 21st century, baby.

THE M5 MACBOOK AIR: THE “AIR” THAT’S NOT “AIR” ANYMORE

SPEC SPECIFICATIONS: THE BREAKDOWN

Apple's MacBook Air just got a "upgrade" that's basically a step down. The M5 MacBook Air now starts at $1,099, up from $999 for the M4 model. But wait — it's "better" because it has 512GB of storage, which is double the previous model. But here's the kicker: The price went up, and the storage is still less than the iPad Air M4. Which is like saying, "I'll give you a bigger pizza, but it's twice as expensive."

The M5 MacBook Air also features Wi-Fi 7 and Bluetooth 6, which are "just getting started" in the consumer market. It's like giving a 1990s car a jet engine — it'll still sputter, but it'll look cooler. The display is 13.3 inches with 500 nits of brightness, which is "good for reading emails in a dimly lit room." And the keyboard? It's the same as the last model, which is "sturdy enough" if you're not a heavy typist.

Apple also added a "153GB/s" memory bandwidth, which is "28% faster" than the M4 model. Which is like saying, "I'll give you a bigger spoon, but it's 28% faster." Available in sky blue, midnight, starlight, and silver — because Apple can't decide what color it is anymore.

THE MACBOOK NEO: APPLE’S ATTEMPT TO COMPETE WITH CHROMEBOOKS (AND FAIL)

SPEC SPECIFICATIONS: THE BREAKDOWN

Apple's new MacBook Neo is the company's attempt to "wade into the market" of cheap laptops. Priced at $599, it's Apple's "most affordable laptop to date" — which is also the first time Apple has ever called something "affordable." This is the device that's basically a Chromebook with a Apple logo and a $1,000 price tag. But hey, it's "50% faster" than the "best-selling PC with the latest Intel Core Ultra 5," which is a Windows laptop that's 10 years old. So, in Apple's eyes, it's a "win."

The MacBook Neo runs on the A18 Pro chip, which is the same chip found in the iPhone 16 Pro. It has 6 cores, 5-core GPU, and 16-core Neural Engine. Which is basically Apple's version of a "smart home" device. It also has 8GB of unified memory, which is "enough for basic tasks" and "not enough for video editing."

There's a 13-inch Liquid Retina display with 500 nits of brightness, a USB-C 3 port, a USB-C 2 port, and a headphone jack. But wait — there's no MagSafe. Because Apple is now charging you for a "feature" that used to be free. The MacBook Neo also has a 1080p webcam, dual mics, and "spatial audio and Dolby Atmos" — because nothing says "I'm a content creator" like a laptop with a webcam that's 10 years old.

Apple claims the MacBook Neo is up to 16 hours of battery life, which is "perfect for a college student who's not a monster." It's available in silver, blush, citrus, and indigo — because Apple can't decide what color it is. Pre-orders are open, and it's available March 11. Because Apple can't decide whether it's a tech company or a fashion brand. (Answer: Both. It's a tech fashion brand.)

THE STUDIO DISPLAY AND STUDIO DISPLAY XDR: APPLE’S ATTEMPT TO BE A “PRO” DISPLAY

SPEC SPECIFICATIONS: THE BREAKDOWN

Apple unveiled two new monitors: the Studio Display XDR and the refreshed Studio Display. The XDR is a 27-inch monitor with a 5K Retina XDR display, which is "perfect for editing photos of your cat." It has a mini-LED display with 2,000 dimming zones, 120Hz refresh rate, and a "wider color gamut." Which is Apple's way of saying, "It's got a lot of buzzwords, and it's expensive."

The XDR also has a "Desk View" feature, which is Apple's version of a "webcam that shows your face and your desk." Which is basically a "Why are you sitting there?" cam. It also has Thunderbolt 5, which allows you to daisy-chain displays — because Apple wants to make you buy 10 monitors. The XDR starts at $3,299, and the nano-texture glass version is $3,599. Which is Apple's way of saying, "We'll make it more expensive."

The refined Studio Display has a 12MP Center Stage camera, a "studio-quality" three-mic array, and a "six-speaker sound system." But here's the kicker: The base model is $1,599, which is "just a little more than a TV." And if you want the "best" experience, you'll need to pay $400 for a height-adjustable stand. Which is like saying, "I'll give you a taller table, but it's twice as expensive."

THE FINAL SALE: A THREE-YEAR-OLD CHIP IN A $1,000 LAPTOP

Apple's latest product announcements are a masterclass in "value" — or, as Apple's CFO would say, "the cost of innovation." The iPhone 17e is a phone that's "two times faster" than last year's model, but it's still the same price. The M5 MacBook Pro is a laptop that's "10 cores" but still costs as much as a used Tesla. And the MacBook Neo is a Chromebook with a Apple logo, priced like a luxury car. But hey, it's "affordable."

This is the week that'll make you question everything. Are the upgrades real? Are they worth it? Why is Apple still charging $1,000 for a phone that's basically a 2019 model with a better battery? The answer is simple: Because they can. And you, my friend, are now their customer.

HOW TO SURVIVE APPLE’S PRICES WITHOUT LOSING YOUR MIND

Don't buy the iPhone 17e — it's a phone that's "two times faster" than last year's model, but it's still the same price. Just don't.
Avoid the M5 MacBook Pro — it's a laptop that's "10 cores" but still costs as much as a used Tesla. Unless you're a crypto millionaire, don't.
Don't trust Apple's pricing — if they say something is "affordable," it's not. It's just a new way to steal your soul.
Enable 2FA — because Apple's new displays are basically a $3,000 TV that you can't return. Better safe than sorry.
Don't buy the MacBook Neo — it's a Chromebook with a Apple logo. Just don't.

FINAL VERDICT: THE APPLE THAT’S STILL JUST A STACK OF SHIT

Apple's latest product announcements are a masterclass in "value" — which, in Apple's case, means "how much money can we extract from the masses?" The iPhone 17e is a phone that's "two times faster" than last year's model, but it's still the same price. The M5 MacBook Pro is a laptop that's "10 cores" but still costs as much as a used Tesla. And the MacBook Neo is a Chromebook with a Apple logo, priced like a luxury car. But hey, it's "affordable."

So, what now? Share this article with your friends, family, and your cat. Because if you don't, you'll be the one stuck with a $1,000 laptop and a 10-year-old camera. And that's not a future you want. Enable 2FA, and pray to the gods that Apple doesn't release a "new" iPhone next year. Because if they do, you'll be the one crying in the corner.

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