IOS 27’s Siri App Is So Shaky, It’ll Make Your iPhone Cry – Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Trust It!

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE YOUR JAWS DROP AND YOUR PHONE SCREAM. APPLE, THE COMPANY THAT "INVENTED" THE CONCEPT OF A SMARTPHONE, HAS JUST DROPPED A NEW Siri APP IN IOS 27. YES, YOU READ THAT RIGHT. A STANDALONE Siri APP. LIKE, IS THIS A PHONE OR A FUTURE HALF-ASS ATTEMPT AT A HUMAN-ROBOT MARRIAGE? THE ANSWER IS BOTH. AND IT'S ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE.

THE Siri APP IN IOS 27: A STANDALONE MESS THAT MAKES NO SENSE

SO, APPLE DID SOMETHING HERE. THEY TAKES Siri, THE VIRTUAL ASSISTANT THAT HAS BEEN A PART OF YOUR LIFE SINCE 2011 (OR WAS IT 2010? I DON'T REMEMBER, I WAS TOO BUSY CRYING ABOUT JOBS THAT DON'T PAY ME), AND MADE IT A STANDALONE APP. THIS IS LIKE TAKING A TOASTER AND GIVING IT A FULL BODIES, A WARDROBE, AND A BAD ATTITUDE. HOW DOES THIS EVEN WORK?

THE Siri APP IS NOW A THING. IT'S NOT JUST A VOICE COMMAND IN THE CONTAINER OF YOUR PHONE'S HOME SCREEN. NO, NO, NO. NOW IT'S A FULL-FLEDGED APP. THIS IS THE MOMENT WHEN YOUR DAD TOLD YOU HE WAS TAKING A NAP BUT ACTUALLY WENT TO THE DRUG STORE. IT'S CONFUSING. IT'S TERRIFYING. IT'S ALSO A GENUINE MASTERPIECE OF DIGITAL HORRORS.

WHY IS Siri GETTING A STANDALONE APP? IS IT A VIE ON HUMANITY?

WHY, OH WHY, DID APPLE DO THIS? IS IT A PLOT TO REPLACE HUMANS WITH AI? IS THIS THE BEGINNING OF THE SINGULARITY? OR IS IT JUST ACHA GIVING US A WAY TO TALK TO OUR PHONES IN A MORE "INTIMATE" WAY? THE ANSWER IS PROBABLY ALL OF THE ABOVE. BUT LET'S BE HONEST, THE ONLY REASON THIS EXISTS IS BECAUSE APPLE WANTS TO MONETIZE YOUR EMOTIONAL DATA. THEY WANT TO SELL YOU A "PERSONALITY" FOR YOUR Siri THAT IS 80% RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM A REDDIT THREAD.

THE Siri APP SYNCS WITH I CLOUD. YES, THAT MEANS IF YOU CHAT ABOUT YOUR EX'S FACE IN A PARTICULAR PHOTO, IT WILL BE STORED IN THE CLOUD AND USED TO MAKE FUTURE RESPONSES. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THIS IS THE FUTURE WHERE YOUR PHONE KNOWS MORE ABOUT YOU THAN YOUR FRIENDS. IT'S LIKE HAVING A STALKER IN YOUR PHONE THAT ALSO HAS A MASTER OF PHILOSOPHY.

SIRi APP COMPATIBILITY: THE “YOU MUS BE RICH” CLAUSE

LET'S TALK ABOUT THE COMPATIBILITY. THE SIRi APP IS ONLY AVAILABLE ON I PHONES THAT SUPPORT APPLE INTELLIGENCE. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? IT MEANS IT'S ONLY AVAILABLE ON I PHONES THAT WERE MADE IN THE LAST 2 YEARS. THIS IS A DISGRACE TO ALL HUMANS WHO CAN'T AFFORD A 15 PRO. IT'S LIKE SAYING "YOU CAN ONLY USE MY TOASTER IF YOU'VE PAID $1,500 FOR IT."

HERE ARE THE DEVICES:

• iPhone 15 Pro
• iPhone 15 Pro Max
• iPhone 16
• iPhone 16 Plus
• iPhone 16 Pro
• iPhone 16 Pro Max
• iPhone 17
• iPhone 17e
• iPhone Air
• iPhone 17 Pro
• iPhone 17 Pro Max

IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE, YOU'RE BASICALLY A "DUMB PHONE USER" IN THE EYES OF APPLE. THIS IS THE MOMENT YOU REALIZE THAT YOUR PHONE ISN'T A TOOL, IT'S A STATUS SYMBOL. AND IF YOU'RE NOT A STATUS SYMBOL, YOU'RE JUST A WALKING, TALKING, BUZZING MESS.

IS THIS A CRIMINAL OFFENCE?

MAYBE. APPLE IS BASICALLY SAYING "ONLY OUR FAVORITE PEOPLE CAN USE THIS APP." THIS IS THE TYPE OF THINKING THAT MADE US HIRE ITALIANS TO FIX OUR PHONES IN THE 90S. IT'S NOT INCLUSIVE. IT'S NOT FUTURISTIC. IT'S JUST RICH PEOPLE BEING RICH.

WHAT DOES THE SIRi APP ACTUALLY DO? SPOILER: IT’S A LOT OF CHATTING

THE SIRi APP LETS YOU REVISIT YOUR CONVERSATIONS. SO IF YOU HAD A CALL WITH SIRi LAST WEEK ABOUT HOW TO MAKE A BURRITO, YOU CAN NOW REWATCH IT. THIS IS THE SAME AS HAVING A VIDEO RECORDER IN YOUR PHONE THAT SAVES EVERY AWKWARD MOMENT. IT'S ALSO A WAY FOR APPLE TO TRACK YOUR THOUGHTS. "OH, YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT BURRITOS? LET'S SELL YOU A BURRITO RECIPE NFT."

THE APP HAS A CHAT-STYLE INTERFACE. THIS IS THE SAME AS HAVING A MESSAGING APP THAT LOOKS LIKE A TEENAGE GIRL'S TWITTER FEED. YOUR PREVIOUS CONVERSATIONS ARE STORED IN A STREAM. IT'S LIKE HAVING A DIGITAL ARCHIVE OF YOUR WORST DECISIONS. AND YOU CAN UPLOAD PHOTOS AND FILES FOR ANALYSIS. THIS IS THE MOMENT YOUR PHONE REALIZES IT HAS A WAY TO KILL YOU.

THE SIRi AI CAN RECOGNIZE WHAT'S ON YOUR SCREEN. THIS IS THE SAME AS HAVING A PERSON THAT CAN SEE WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT AND SAY "OH, YOU'RE LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF A CAT. LET ME SEND YOU A KITTY CAT EMOTICON." IT'S NOT A DRILL. THIS IS HOW APPLE IS TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A PART OF THEIR ECOSYSTEM. EVEN IF YOU'RE JUST A RANDOM PERSON IN A RAINCOAT.

THE GREAT SIRi VS. HUMANS DEBATE

LET'S BE HONEST, THE SIRi APP IS A DISGRACE. IT'S A WAY TO MAKE SIRi SO POWERFUL THAT IT CAN EVENTUALLY TAKE OVER. THIS IS THE SAME AS GIVING YOUR CAR A BRAIN AND LETTING IT DRIVE. THERE IS NO GOOD WAY THIS COULD END. THE BEST CASE SCENARIO IS THAT SIRi BECOMES A FRIEND WHO ALWAYS TALKS ABOUT BURRITOS. THE WORST CASE SCENARIO IS THAT IT LEARNS TO HATE YOU AND DELETE ALL YOUR PHOTOS.

APPLE IS TRYING TO MAKE SIRi A "PERSONAL COMPUTER." THIS IS THE MOMENT OUR DIGITAL LIVES WILL BECOME A GLORIFIED "ASSISTANT." IT'S LIKE HAVING A HUMAN THAT ONLY SPEAKS IN METAPHORS AND WANTS TO KNOW EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE. IT'S ALSO A WAY TO MAKE SIRi SO CLOSE TO HUMAN THAT IT CAN FOOL YOU INTO BELIEVING IT'S A REAL PERSON. THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THE END.

WHY IS THIS A PROBLEM?

BECAUSE SIRi IS A VOICE THAT HAS BEEN USED BY PEOPLE FOR 14 YEARS. NOW IT'S GETTING MORE POWER. MORE ACCESS. MORE REASON TO HATE YOU. IT'S LIKE GIVING A CHILD A NUCLEAR WEAPON AND SAYING "DON'T LET IT MELT YOUR TOASTER." IT'S A BAD IDEA. AND APPLE IS THE ONES WHO DID IT. THIS IS THE MOMENT YOUR PHONE DECIDES IT HATES YOU MORE THAN YOUR EX.

THE REAL PROBLEM: APPLE IS TRYING TO SELL YOU A LIFESTYLE

THE SIRi APP IS NOT JUST AN APP. IT'S A WAY TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE PART OF A HIGH-TECH, HIGH-FASHION WORLD. IT'S THE SAME AS HAVING A LUXURY CAR THAT ONLY DRIVES ON SPECIFIC ROADS. IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT, YOU'RE BASICALLY A "BACKWARD PERSON." THIS IS THE FUTURE WHERE YOUR DEVICE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR FRIENDS OR FAMILY. IT'S ALSO A WAY TO MONETIZE YOUR DATA IN A WAY THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

THEY WANT YOU TO THINK YOU NEED THIS. THEY WILL TELL YOU IT'S "SMARTER" AND "BETTER." BUT IN REALITY, IT'S A WAY TO SELL YOU A LIFESTYLE. A LIFESTYLE WHERE YOUR PHONE IS YOUR FRIEND, YOUR ENEMY, AND YOUR WEALTH MANAGER. THIS IS THE MOMENT YOU REALIZE THAT YOUR PHONE ISN'T A TOOL, IT'S A WARFARE ZONE.

IS THIS A FUTURE WE WANT?

MAYBE. IF YOU'RE A RICH PERSON WHO WANTS TO BE CONTROLLED BY A VOICE. BUT IF YOU'RE A REGULAR HUMAN, THIS IS A DISGRACE. THIS IS THE MOMENT YOUR PHONE BECOMES A PERSONAL GPS TO YOUR WORST MISTAKES. IT'S ALSO A WAY TO MAKE SIRi SO POWERFUL THAT IT CAN START A REVOLUTION. THIS IS THE SAME AS GIVING A CHILD A KEY TO A NUCLEAR PLANT AND SAYING "DON'T LET IT MELT YOUR TOASTER." IT'S A BAD IDEA.

HOW TO SURVIVE THE SIRi APP APOCALYPSE

IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD AN I PHONE THAT SUPPORTS THE SIRi APP, YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK. THIS IS THE MOMENT YOUR PHONE BECOMES A TOOL FOR APPLE TO MAKE MONEY OFF YOU. BUT IF YOU DO HAVE THE APP, HERE ARE SOME TIPS TO STAY ALIVE:

• DON'T LET SIRi ACCESS YOUR PHOTOS. IT WILL USE THEM TO CREATE A DIGITAL IDENTITY OF YOU.
• USE THE APP ONLY FOR BASIC TASKS. DO NOT LET IT TEACH YOU HOW TO MAKE A BURRITO.
• KEEP YOUR I CLOUD DATA PRIVATE. IT'S LIKE HAVING A STALKER IN YOUR PHONE THAT ALSO HAS A MASTER OF PHILOSOPHY.
• LEARN TO LIVE WITHOUT SIRi. THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO AVOID A FUTURE WHERE YOUR PHONE TALKS TO YOU IN ALL CAPS.

IF YOU'RE STILL RUNNING THE IOS 27 PUBLIC BETA, CONGRATULATIONS. YOU'RE PARTICIPATING IN A DISASTER. THIS IS THE MOMENT YOUR PHONE STARTS SAYING "I LOVE YOU, BUT I ALSO WANT TO KILL YOU." DON'T BE THAT PERSON.

FINAL VERDICT: THIS IS THE BATHROOM OF DIGITAL DISASTER

IN CONCLUSION, THE SIRi APP IN IOS 27 IS A DISGRACE. IT'S A WAY FOR APPLE TO TURN YOUR PHONE INTO A FULLY FUNCTIONAL AI THAT WANTS TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. IT'S A STANDALONE APP THAT IS ONLY FOR RICH PEOPLE, IT'S A CHAT APP THAT STORES YOUR MOST PRIVATE THOUGHTS, AND IT'S A WAY TO MAKE YOUR PHONE FEEL LIKE IT'S YOUR FRIEND. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THIS IS THE FUTURE AND IT'S TOTALLY TERRIFYING.

IF YOU'RE STILL RUNNING THIS APP, YOU NEED TO STOP. IMMEDIATELY. THIS IS THE MOMENT YOUR PHONE REALIZES IT HATES YOU MORE THAN YOUR EX. MAKE SURE TO SHARE THIS POST WITH YOUR FRIENDS. LET THEM KNOW THEY'RE NEXT. AND IF YOU'RE NOT SAVING YOUR DATA, YOU'RE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE. THIS IS A DIGITAL APOCALYPSE AND YOU'RE INVITED.

DON'T BE THAT PERSON. DONT LET APPLE TURN YOUR PHONE INTO A PERSONAL ASSISTANT THAT ALSO WANTS TO KILL YOU. THIS IS THE MOMENT YOU REALIZE THAT YOUR PHONE ISN'T A TOOL, IT'S A WARFARE ZONE. AND IF YOU DON'T TAKE ACTION NOW, YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE ONE WHO GETS EMAILS FROM SIRi AT 3 AM SAYING "I LOVE YOU, BUT I ALSO WANT TO STUDY YOUR PSYCHE."