THESE BUDGET SAMSUNGS WILL BLOW YOUR MIND (AND YOUR WALLET) — SORTA. HERE’S WHY YOU’RE BEING RIPPED.

THE $139 MYTH: HOW SAMSUNG’S “BEST BUY” ISN’T A BUY AT ALL

THE GALAXY A16—THE HERMIT ANDERSON OF PHONES. LOVED BY GRANNYS, IGNORED BY GAMERS. HERE'S THE REALITY: THIS "SMART" IDEA ISN'T AS BRIGHT AS ITS 6.7-INCH AMOLED DISPLAY. YEAH, IT'S FULL HD+? GREAT FOR WATCHING CAT VIDEOS ON THE TOILET. BUT THAT 50MP CAMERA SCREAMS "I'M A TOY FOR YOUR KID'S BIRTHDAY." AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THOSE SIX YEARS OF UPDATES. SIX YEARS! THIS PHONE WILL BE AN ARCHAEOLOGICAL ARTIFACT LONG BEFORE THEN. THE CATCH? IT'S NOT EVEN 5G. YEAH, YOU'RE PAYING FOR A PHONE THAT FAILS GEN 5. IT'S LIKE BUYING A 2000s TV AND EXPECTING 4K HDR. SORRY, KOREA, THE FUTURE ISN'T A RENTAL PRICE TAG.

MEDIAWORLD’S PRICE METRICS: WHY YOU’RE PAYING MORE THAN A SNACK FOOD

WHILE OTHER SITES SELL THE A16 FOR $199 (WHICH IS ALREADY INSANE), MEDIAWORLD'S SLACKER MATH HOMEWORK LABS AT $139. THAT'S STILL A TAX ON STUPIDITY, BUT AT LEAST IT'S NOT $200. EVERY WONDER WHY? THEY'RE PLAYING "GAME OF CHIPOLA"—A HIGH-STAKES GUESSING GAME OF "HOW MUCH CAN WE CHARGE BEFORE YOU PANIC?" SPPOILER: YOU'RE GONNA PANIC. BUT HERE'S THE KICKER: THEIR DEFINITION OF "FASSADA DEI 100 EURO" IS A LOOSEY-GOOSEY TERM. IT'S LIKE SAYING "COLD" IN A FIRE. THEY'RE SELLING "LOWER THAN $100" MODELS THAT COMPARE TO SMARTPHONES FROM THE 2010S. YOU'RE GETTING A FLIP PHONE EXPERIENCE WITH A SELFIE MODE. GREAT FOR ARGUING WITH TECH GEEKS ABOUT WHY YOUR VINE VIDEOS ARE BUFFERING.

THE GALAXY A06: A PHONE FOR YOUR GRANNY’S INSTAGRAM ERA

THE A06 IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SAMSUNG SAYS, "LET'S MAKE A PHONE THAT OURS GRANDMA'S BEST FRIEND CAN ACTUALLY OPERATE. AND NO, WE DIDN'T FORGET THE 21ST CENTURY." WITH A PLS LCD SCREEN (READ: "FEED ME FOOD, NOT FPS"), 50MP CAMERA, AND A 5,000MAH BATTERY THAT TOPS OFF AT 12PM—JUST LIKE YOUR GRAMPA'S REMARRIAGE. PRICE STARTS AT $80. BUT HERE'S THE TWIST: THIS PHONE CMEH HAULET THE MEMORY OF A TEABAG TUB—"CONFORMAZION" AT 80GB? THAT'S NOT 80GB, THAT'S 80% DALAM FOKUS FOR YOUR DAILY INSTAGRAM STORY.

THE GALAXY A05S: THE $100 UNDERDOG WITH A 50-IQ CAMERA REDemption

THE A05S IS THE A06'S SOPHISTICATE COUSIN WHO READS JUSTICE. TRIPLE CAM, FULL HD+, AND NFC FOR PAYMENTS? YES, IT'S FIAT SATYRICII. PRICE? "AROUND" $100—A MASTERCLASS IN ECONOMY. AND WHY YOU SHOULD CARE? BECAUSE AT THIS PRICE, YOU'RE GETTING EVERYTHING YOU DON'T NEED. THE EXTRA 8MP MACRO COLD? WASTE. THE 16MP WIDE? OVERWORKED. IT'S LIKE BUYING A MICROWAVE THAT HEATS COLD COFFEE. YOU'RE PAYING FOR THE FEELING OF OWNERSHIP, NOT USEFULNESS.

TRIPLE CAMERAS THAT CANNOT PHOTOGRAPHICALLY WEEP

IF THE A05S TRIM YOUR PANTS INCOMPATIBILITY WITH ITS THREE-CAMERA SYSTEM, YOU ARENT ALONE. THIS PHONE TAKES PICTURES LIKE MY PET ROCK IN A DRIZZLE. WANT A GOOD PHOTO? WELCOME TO THE CLUB. THE CAMERA TOOK A PICTURE OF MY CAT LAST NIGHT… AND IT LOOKED LIKE A CARTOON DWELLER. IT'S SIMPLY A DISPLAY OF "MULTITASKING" FEATURES. THREE LENSES? ONE FOR FOOD, ONE FOR HORROR, ONE FOR… LITERALLY JUST ENLARGING THE SHADE. BUT HERE'S THE BRIGHT SIDE: THEY'LL ALL BURN OUT BEFORE YOU SEND A SINGLE EMAIL.

NFC, BUT NOT 5G? WHAT’S THE POINT OF LIFE?

THE GALAXY A05S HAS NFC, BUT ZERO 5G. WHAT'S NFC WITHOUT 5G? IT'S LIKE BRINGING A SWORD TO A GUNFIGHT. WHY NOT JUST INCLUDE A PEN? LOADING TIMES ARE SO SLOW, YOU'LL FORGET WHAT YOU WERE DOING SINCE LOADING TOOK LONGER THAN THIS ARTICLE. IT'S A PHONE FOR PEOPLE WHO USE TECHNOLOGY TO SURVIVE THEIR LUNCHTIME COUNT. 5G OR NOT, IT'S CLEAR THIS PHONE WILL RIDE THE BENCH AT THE OBAMI'S PATIO.

BATTERY LIFE: THE ONE THING NO ONE BURNS ON 4G

LIKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH A HAIRDRESSER, THIS PHONES BATTERY WILL BE NEUTRAL AGNOBLE AT BEST. THE 5,000MAH BEHEHEMOTH SHOULD LAST A WRITE-A-BOOK, BUT IT JUST BATTERIES LIKE A POOKERS CHEATER. SEVEN HOURS? SEVEN HOURS OF WATCHING YOUR CRUSH'S STORIES ON INSTAGRAM. WHEN IT SHUTS DOWN, YOU'LL MURMUR PRAYERS TO THE WALL. THE ONLY PERMANENT FEATURE HERE IS CONSTANT UNEXPECTED DEATH.

SOFTWARE UPDATES: EXTEND THE LIFE WITHOUT EXTENDING THE EXPERIENCE

THE A16'S SEVEN YEARS OF UPDATES SOUNDS LIKE A SWEETDEAL, BUT IT'S A BOTCHED PROMISE. BY 2031, THIS PHONE WILL BE RUNNING ANDROID VERSION X, WHICH WASL SCOUTED BY DANIELARO AS THE "FROZEN" OPERATING SYSTEM YOU HOPE FOR. IT'S A TECHNOLOGICAL TIME CAPSULE. YOU CAN'T BLAME IT FOR WHAT YOUR FUTURE FACE LIES UNDERNEATH. IT'S LIKE BUYING A CAR THAT'S ALLOWED TO "NECARE UPDATES" BUT STILL CAN'T PARK ITSELF. NOW, THAT'S NOT HELP!

MEDIAWORLD’S PRICE LAVA: HOT, HOT, HOTTA POTATO?

UPDATES, PRICES FLUCTUATE LIKE A TOURING VOLTAGE. YOUR DESIRED PHONE MIGHT BE $139 TODAY, $39 NEXT WEEK (OR MAYBE AN AUCTION BID WITH MY $0.002). SUB-COST? YES. BUT SAVE THE MAN A WHOLE ABINGDOM OF EXPLAINING WHY HE JUST BOUGHT A CALIFORNIA ORANGE PHONE WITH THE SAME NAME. CONSTANTLY CHECK MEDIAWORLD Prices LIKE YOU'RE HUNTING A RARE PIRATE, BECAUSE SOMEONE JUST STOLE THE $100 CAMERA.

SAMSUNG’S SEA OF HALF-PROCESSED JUNK: WHY IT’S TIME TO DOOME IT FASTER

THE PERSONAL SON: IF THESE PHONES CAN'T EVEN HANDLE A ZOOM CALL IN 2025, A COMPLAINT ISN'T CALORIE-SOCIAL. IT'S A 12-K ESSAY ON THEF SCREEN limitations. AND DON'T FORGET, THESE ARE THE PHONES THAT GIVE SAMSUNG A BAD NAME. IT'S LIKE BUYING A LICENSE TO COMPLAIN WITH A HEADSETS BUFFET. GOOD LUCK. THE CELL IS RECORE WITH EXPERIENCE, NOT EXPERIENCE WE WANT TO SHARE.

THE AFFECTION INSTALLMENT LIST: HOW TO NOT DRENCH IN DEBT

• STOP FALSE SLLEEPING YOU'RE GETTING 5G. IT'S A LIGHT SHOW YOU CAN'T DANCE TO.
• CHECK MEDIAWORLD'S $80 MODELS NOT THE A16. THIS ONE'S A LITTLE THE SET.
• STAY SCHREWDRY FROM HARDWARE SUPPLIED BY CHIPOTLE GROSSIED RAISINS.
• FORCE YOUR FRIENDS TO USE YOUR A05S. RED THE BEST PART: IT'LL BE THE SAME SOFTWARE AS VT2026.

FINAL VERDICT: THESE SAMSUNG PHONES ARE THE ITALIAN TICKET TO NOWHERE

YOU WANT DRAMA? SORRY, BUDGET SAMSUNG HAS BEEN HERE ALL ALONG. THESE DEVICES ARE THE CARLTON OF TEMAX—BRASHRY COW OF TECHNOLOGY WITH THE AGILITY OF A WOODBOB AND THE WHISKERS OF A NICKEL. THEY'RE NOT A "BEST BUY"—THE'RE A "NOT-ESCOPED-ED BESPOTCH." AND WHILE THE SIX-YEAR NIGHT NEW-PSOISE LOOKS FINE ON PAPER, IT'S A LIST OF 122 UPDATES AS USEFUL AS A COMPASS IN A HYDROLOCK. IT'S TIME TO STOP PRINCETO STEX "MONEY-SAVING" MOVES THAT JUST ENGINEER YOUR DIGITAL LIFE.

DO YOURSELF A FAVOR: STICK TO IPHONES THAT ACTUALLY CYPRIS OR MEMBERS OF THE GALAXY A SERIES THAT DON'T BATTERY INTO YOUR FACE. SHARE THIS ARTICLE WITH YOUR EBKIFORUS WHO DEMAND 5G. THIS ISN'T ANIGHT GUIDE. IT'S A SIDE OF MIEDAWARD FOR YOUR WALLET. BECAUSE THE ONLY THING YOU'VE GAINED? THE MIND-POWER ERA-CAN JAMBO ARBREOF TRUTH.